Rejection Letters to God? by Kim Michael

             Rejection Letters

      ...to God?

              By Kim Michael

      A number of years ago, shortly after I finished my first novel, a curious thing happened. At a family reunion I mentioned to a favorite relative of mine that I had finally finished the novel that took more than ten years to complete. Actually, he’s my wife’s mother’s sister’s son so I have no idea what that makes him as far as being a relative, but he is also a good friend.

     He’s a professor at a prominent university out east as well as being a writer himself, having published several books, the kind of books that only a handful of people in the world can read and understand. For years the government flew him around the country to help set up “think” tanks, or at least that’s what I think he did, I’m still not sure.
     So, at this family reunion, I mentioned to him that I had finished my first novel and of course his first question was, “What’s it about?” The one question, if you’re smart, you never ask another writer, particularly a new author.  Like baby rattlesnakes we tend to be the most dangerous because we don’t know how to control the poison. And for the next three hours he sat patiently listening. A few days later, I get a book from him in the mail entitled, “Rotten Reviews and Rejections” by Bill Henderson and Andre Bernard.
     If you’ve never seen the book, it is a compilation of rejections and bad reviews of some of the most famous authors and famous books in history, and yes, even the greatest authors have had their work rejected. Hemingway, Faulkner, Joyce, Fitzgerald, the list is endless. It is said that Fitzgerald got so many rejection letters that he wallpapered an entire room in his house with them.
    And so, my well-intentioned friend--my wife’s mother’s sister’s son, was not being malicious or negative about my first foray into the world of authorship, which I suppose I could have read into his sending me that book. No... I believe, in his own way, he was preparing me for what he knew would be the “inevitable”, and yes, my first attempt at getting my book published ended with a very tall stack of rejection letters. But I have to say, that experience was as much an education on the world of publishing as writing the book itself.

     I learned a number of valuable lessons from that almost overwhelming experience of total rejection. Some of the letters made me a better writer, some made me mad enough to want to prove them wrong, and some led me to understand one of the most important things you can know as a writer... and that is--when dealing with agents and critics and publishers--they’re not always right. In fact, every great book that has ever been written has, in some way, been rejected, and many far more than you would imagine.
    And so I wondered, turn back the hands of time, what if publishers and agents of today were to get inquiry letters for what has become the greatest selling book of all time—the Bible?
     And so I present for your consideration Rejection Letters To…God?
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Mr. Almighty,
Thank you for your recent submission. Although we feel that it shows promise we also think it’s too long, jumps around too much and will be hard for readers to follow. Try to get it under 300 pages.

Dear G,
Please resubmit using standard manuscript format. We do not accept scroll submissions.

Dear Mr. Jehovah.
Maybe if you worked from an outline it would work better.  Also some of the names sound made-up.

Dear G,

After reviewing your “Old Testament” submission, we would suggest if you decide to write a “New Testament” that you use more American sounding names like--Mathew, Mark, Luke, or John –it will read better.

Dear G,
Is this fiction or non-fiction?

Dear G in Heaven,
We asked you to send a synopsis and you sent over the Ten Commandments. The guy you had deliver them, Mosses--I think his name was, dropped them on the way over. We just wanted you to know they are now in pieces and totally unreadable. Please resubmit and this time use something other than stone tablets.

Mr. G-
Well I don’t see people putting it in every hotel room in the country, but thanks anyway.  

Dear G,
If you hope to sell the movie rights on this a chase scene that lasts forty years in the desert is not going to work.

Mr. G,

Not interested. In the future check the websites before you send your submissions. We only consider religious or inspirational books.

G, 

Well it’s certainly not the greatest story ever told, but if you work on it more, it may be worth considering on some level.

Hey God…...

Thank you for your submission.  I read your book ...loved it. I suspect like all authors you are probably getting a lot of push back right now particularly from people who haven’t really read it, or taken time to understand it.

Don’t be discouraged. There is a message here, an important message for everyone, and one day I believe the world will see it for what it is.